Contextualizing One's Self

Contextualizing One’s Self

Before joining Teach for America, I rarely ever considered my identity and, in fact, because of that ignorance was probably color blinded. I was taught for so many years that race and identity didn’t really matter and therefore shouldn’t be discussed or addressed. However, over the last two years, I have been presented with several opportunities to address my identity and discover how it affects what I believe and how I behave in my classroom. Identity is a fluid and yet a static definition, and at this current moment, I identify as a white female from a high socioeconomic background, spiritually religious, and dyslexic. Each of these identity markers have helped me develop and adapt my teaching praxis.

When I started Teach for America, I truly believed that race of my students didn’t matter and therefore we could build relationships without discussing and confronting race. My students could immediately tell I was color blind and were not comfortable with me. From the moment I started teaching, my students would say things like, “well Miss you are rich and white, what do you know”. Or things like, “well yeah, but you’re white”. With the help of Teach for America and their training on diversity, equity, and inclusiveness and my students; I quickly became aware that not addressing my race and identity was a covert way of maintaining the dominance of my white privilege. I had to change my teaching praxis. I decided that instead of shying away from topics about race and identity, I needed to confront them. My race and identity need to be discussed openly with my students, my whiteness is not invisible and should not be treated so. During these conversations, also believe that I am not the expert, my students are, and therefore my responsibility is to listen and learn and be proactive.

Being from a finically comfortable and stable family has absolutely shaped how I behave and view the world. My childhood was filled with country clubs, private schools, skiing trips, and all the comforts I could as for. I have never suffered or bin in a situation where there was no solution. My life and adolescents couldn’t be farther from my students. When I started teaching I was aware of this disconnect, and thought, like my race, that not discussing my wealth was the best approach. However, similar to my race, my wealth and socioeconomic background kept finding its way into my classroom. From the clothes I wore to the place I lived in Providence, to the experiences I had when I was fifteen. I couldn’t avoid the topic anymore and ended up having a very frank and open conversation with my students about my socioeconomic status and the privileges I was given. As I listened to my student’s responses, I began to realize that they were frustrated that I initially withheld this information and were pleased that I finally shared. I know I can’t relate to my students lives, however, what I do know, is that I can be empathetic and understanding. My socioeconomic background and race must be brought to the forefront and discussed if I want to make relationships with my students. And to do this, my praxis must include empathy, allowing my students to be the experts, listening, and learning from my students.

When I consider my identity, I always become unsteady when asked about religion. I grew up Presbyterian but couldn’t tell you what that means. Therefore, for me religion doesn’t play a large part in my daily life and I rarely ever consider it. This became a big problem for me during my first year of teaching. For many of my students, religion plays a big role in their lives. I have found that when planning events, field trips, and student activities I need to consider if an event adheres to the students’ beliefs and practices. I have had some students unable to participate in debate competitions because the competitions are the same time as their church services, which they are strictly not allowed to miss. Regarding religion, my teaching praxis has developed to include religion in my planning and expand my knowledge of religion.

The identity marker that has had the most impact on my teaching praxis is my disability. Having a disability is the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. Back when I was in school I struggled significantly with reading and writing. My teachers noticed immediately that I was not “average” student and needed extra assistance. I went through a series of testing and the results determined that I was dyslexic. From that day on, until the ninth, I was pulled out of every foreign language class for tutoring, provided my own room for testing, and placed in special educational classes. I hated being dyslexic. I was frustrated and upset that I struggled so much and was typically lost or confused. I disliked having to explain why I wasn’t going to Spanish yet again and felt alienated and stupid for being placed in all the “slow” classes. I remember constantly trying to explain that my disability didn’t mean I was stupid. I’d find myself saying things like: “but I swear I’m smart! This doesn’t mean I’m stupid!”, “I just need more time to process, but I’ll get it eventually!”. I was trying to prove myself with the hopes that I would be viewed as equal to my classmates.

Being dyslexic is one of the reasons I wanted to become a teacher. I’ve come to realize that without my aware and proactive teachers, I would not have made it as far as I have. It was because they noticed I needed help, that I was able to succeed. I wanted to give back and help my students the ways in which my teachers helped me. I need to pay it forward. Furthermore, since I can so vividly remember what it felt like to learn with a disability, I know what it is like to sit in the back of classroom feeling lost, dumb, and absolutely unmotivated. It is my duty, and a significant part of my teaching praxis that I do whatever I can to teach content so that every student can access the information. I also, must be aware a proactive at advocating for my students needs and helping them achieve their highest academic, social, and emotional ability.

I have found that my gender plays a larger role in my teaching praxis than I would like. As a woman, it has been more difficult to earn the respect of my students compared to my male counterparts. When I started teaching, I would hear statements like, “Mr. X is better than you, can I take is class”, “You’re so extra Miss, Mr. X is so chill, why can’t you be like him”.  I have also found that I make relationships more quickly with my female students than my male students. To take this identity marker a further step, I identify as a straight woman, and have come to realize that my teaching praxis is more heteronormative than it should be. I find myself calling my male students gentleman at times and my female students ladies at times. I need to change this praxis, because what if a student doesn’t identity with those labels I provide and, in turn, doesn’t feel safe in my class expressing themselves. I need to become more aware of how my gender effects my classroom and my students safety, therefore my teaching praxis needs to transform.  

Even though identity is usually about race, economic status, religion, and disability, I feel as though it is important to address one’s personality or emotional status. Emotional awareness, to me, is a strong part of who I am and how I identify. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, take comments and situations to the heart, and have a strong sense of empathy. When I was younger, I believed I could feel the emotions of the people around me. I am typically aware of how I feel and have no problem expressing myself. My “sensitivity” definitely affects how I react and respond in my classroom. I tend to take a motherly approach instead of a disciplinary approach. I am known for caring a lot about my students and being a bit of a push over. My emotional praxis is all about second chances and understanding why a student is behaving a certain way, getting to the bottom of how they are feeling, and working together to move ahead.

If I was to compare my identity to who I was when I started teaching to who I am today, my identity has absolutely changed. Like mentioned above, identity is a fluid and yet static definition. Over time my identity will keep changing and evolving and this will, in turn, effect my teaching praxis and my relationships and classroom behaviors. I have so much to learn from my students and everyday there is something new that I didn’t know before. I have enjoyed developing and growing my identity over the year and half and look forward to evolving my teacher praxis even more.